I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have someone actually interested in me (as a friend right now) and I'm just not able to let him in yet. WTF is wrong with me?
I'm with him, having coffee, and he's the nicest guy. He's all gentleman. Maybe that's it? I'm just not used to the nice? I'm just terrified of fucking things up with yet another person? (I've had a few falling out with female friends lately, too, and I'm being kind of guarded...but things come back to haunt me.)
I know it makes no sense. And no, I'm not interested in having a relationship at this point (although sex with someone other than myself would be nice). But we had a great discussion going today and I just threw all kinds of walls back up that he had somehow gotten inside.
But I like this guy. Not LIKE like him, but you know what I mean. (Most of my friends are guys, and their friendships do matter to me, and I've already lost Peter (Linda's husband) and it's all just freakin' painful.
So I'm talking to this guy and I keep forgetting things. Like TOTALLY forgetting things. and I mention that I probably took too many head shots. And then the question came - what kind? He knows I've had an abusive past, but this is a new friend who knows minimal facts. Anyway, the thought about the head shots came into my mind and I just shut down. I started to cry and headed to the bathroom. He knew it upset met, and that I was crying, but I didn't want to just break down in the coffee shop right there.
WHY is it so hard to let someone in? WHY does it have to haunt me at the most inopportune times? And more importantly WILL IT EVER STOP??
I know part if it is being afraid to trust, afraid of getting hurt yet again...but this is just a friend. I suppose the potential to there being more might be there someday, but right now - not really interested in ANYONE. o why does this matter to me and bug me enough to toss up more walls?
And that part bothers me even more - that I can't wrap my brain around it and figure it out...or just let go. After all the past is the past and should stay there.
I hate when my brain works overtime... I need to make some lists. (Yes, just a little OCD I guess.)
