Waiting for a fresh start

Because going downtown TERRIFIES me and throws me into an instant panic attack (and I have no idea why), a friend will go with me.  He's been there lots of times, knows his way around, and will drive.  (He hates my driving.  Apparently the rush of being on death's door doesn't appeal to him.)  In turn, I will help him move when the time comes.  See - I loves me the barter system.

Mike's been...well, Mike.  he's already missed  a dose, called me hollering and being generally nasty, and set off a ton of triggers. (Actually the first time he told ME to call HIM and answered the phone with a 'WHAT???"  Yeesh.)  Yeah, not much is going to change with the dynamics.

Anyway...  So once i get downtown and get the paperwork i need, I can get social services, and hopefully get out from under this CRAPPY FEELING that I have had lately.

But wait...what's that, you ask?  I AM HOT!  No, not hot flashes.  Apparently there's something in the air here in WNY.  I don't mean snow.  I have no idea what it is.  But there are guys who like me.  (And no, still so very NOT interested, but I haven't felt lovable in a very long time.  So it's nice.)  Heck, even the kid behind the counter at Timmy Ho's (local coffee place) was flirting with me BIG TIME.  While I could be his cougar mom, I thought it was cute...and sweet...and hey, he was pretty cute himself. He flirted with me to the extent that his female coworker kicked him. Heh.

The girls and I did a Spa Night.  Pulled out bins to soak our feet, nail polish with which to pretty our nails, and the make up box of stuff we almost never wear.  Just for shits and giggles I hookerfied myself.  I was hookerlicious!!  (I rarely wear more than eyeliner and mascara, so I didn't have far to go.  LMAO!)

So....  yesterday was better.  Today Mike got paid, so I feel a bit of weight off knowing that I can actually go buy some groceries and pay the mortgage (and then be back to my normal broke state).  It helps.

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure takes some of the pressure off.  I don't need much extra...just as long as the bills are getting paid and we have the basics.  Momma raised me right.

Haunts from the past

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.  I have someone actually interested in me (as a friend right now) and I'm just not able to let him in yet.  WTF is wrong with me?

I'm with him, having coffee, and he's the nicest guy.  He's all gentleman.  Maybe that's it?  I'm just not used to the nice?  I'm  just terrified of fucking things up with yet another person?  (I've had a few falling out with female friends lately, too, and I'm being kind of guarded...but things come back to haunt me.)

I know it makes no sense.  And no, I'm not interested in having a relationship at this point (although sex with someone other than myself would be nice).  But we had a great discussion going today and I just threw all kinds of walls back up that he had somehow gotten inside.

But I like this guy. Not LIKE like him, but you know what I mean.  (Most of my friends are guys, and their friendships do matter to me, and I've already lost Peter (Linda's husband) and it's all just freakin' painful.

So I'm talking to this guy and I keep forgetting things.  Like TOTALLY forgetting things. and I mention that I probably took too many head shots.  And then the question came - what kind?  He knows I've had an abusive past, but this is a new friend who knows minimal facts.  Anyway, the thought about the head shots came into my mind and I just shut down.  I started to cry and headed to the bathroom.  He knew it upset met, and that I was crying, but I didn't want to just break down in the coffee shop right there.

WHY is it so hard to let someone in?  WHY does it have to haunt me at the most inopportune times?  And more importantly WILL IT EVER STOP??

I know part if it is being afraid to trust, afraid of getting hurt yet again...but this is just a friend.  I suppose the potential to there being more might be there someday, but right now - not really interested in ANYONE.   o why does this matter to me and bug me enough to toss up more walls?

And that part bothers me even more - that I can't wrap my brain around it and figure it out...or just let go.  After all the past is the past and should stay there.

I hate when my brain works overtime...  I need to make some lists.  (Yes, just a little OCD I guess.)

The more you know...

I found out a bit more detail from Pete (my friend whose wife is Mike's "friend.")  See, Pete's been where Mike is - although not quite.  He wasn't admitted, but held and released for a comment he had made two months prior.  His mother got concerned, called it in, and he was taken in for observation.  he knows how it feels to sit there, lonely, bored, at the end of your rope.  When I saw Pete, I told him he's a saint.  If it were me I'd pretty much be like "you know what - sit there and rot, you bastard.  Look what you did to your family and what you're doing to mine." But I digress...

Anyway, I got more detail - things that his friends can get out of him that I can't...and they have the "guy thing" going on, so whatever.

I don't think he actually set Kasia up to find him (and certainly not to save him), though he could have NOT called her into his room to say goodbye.  If he REALLY wanted to he could have just let her get the milk and go home and pretended he was just sleeping.  Apparently he had taken the pills before she came or before he even knew she was coming, and took about 35 or so Klonopin (2 mg) pills.  So I just don't know.  I honestly think he was making an attempt, because there are other "clues" that I found.

When Rick and I went back to clear the apt of guns and pills, I found where he had just refilled meds and gotten a new bottle of Klonopin with a note on it saying he cannot get more until the week after Thanksgiving...so that tells me he was trying to get a larger supply.  Then I found a "written referral" for his work.  He got in trouble for something that was totally out of his character.

See, he's the guy that they go to at work to work any position - train anyone, etc.  Or at least he was.  Lately he's been taking his FMLA (unpaid but can't lose his job) days left and right, and then this written strike.  Wow.  I think he was using at work, too - or at least right before he went to sleep, took too much, and was "groggy" at work (which Klonopin tends to do).

He was *supposed* to be taking Vyvanse, Symbiax, and Klonopin - for Depression and Anxiety.  He was non-compliant on EVERYTHING but took Klonopin when he wanted to sleep.  He only sometimes took the omeprazole (reflux) or Triplix (cholesterol) meds.  He almost NEVER took the Vyvanse or Symbiax.

Soooo....  It wasn't the meds that made him suicidal.  It's the fact that he got overwhelmed, didn't know how to handle it, and tried to take the easy way out - and hoped that financially the insurance would take care of us (pretty likely I'm sure).  Just the "it'd be better for everyone if I just wasn't alive anymore" (which may very well be true, but I'm not exactly the best person to ask right now).

I have been somewhat where he is right now.  Who hasn't?  Everyone I know has had the thought at some point in their life when things were pretty shitty to just "end it all" and "god it wold just be so much easier if..."  You know?

But I have kids.  And they are my life.  And I have reassured them over and over and over that everything I do, I do for them...with them...so they can have a good life.  And that I'm not going anywhere.

So Pete got a bit more scoop as confidante than anyone else at this point.  (Rick has his son for the weekend so he won't be seeing Mike I don't think.)  A few other people have visited - yes, including Linda.  Whatever.    He was saying goodbye to a few people before he made the attempt, making amends of sorts.  I have no idea what was said or if it was a "cry for help" because I don't know how things were worded.

But between that and the fact that he tried to get his hands on a lot more klonopin...I'm torn as to whether or not it was totally intentional or just a cry.  He still had half a bottle of the pills left.  But let me tell you that he's still unmedicated at the facility (it's the weekend, but don't you think they'd give him SOMETHING??)  It took a good few days to get him to "come down" from the Klonopin (or up as the case may be).

When he was admitted, he was incredibly loopy on something.  And he doesn't have the ability to act and fool me in cases like those.  (I always know when he's faking sick.)  I just don't know.

Nor do I really care at this point.  I just want to be able to keep the kids safe, keep the house, and pay the bills.  The rest is just cake.

And the power plays continue

Yeah, I'm probably an ass for going last night but honestly, I wanted to see with my own eyes just how messed up he was.  And he was messed up.  They had him on no meds, but he was still loopy from the klonopin he tried to OD on.  His normal dose is one 2mg pill.  he took about 35 pills.  Which means he tried to get more than a month's supply.  There was a note attached to his meds that said he can't have another refill until the week of Thanksgiving.  That alone tells me this was probably premeditated - OR that he'd just been abusing them. 

So yesterday before i went to see mike I did some crying at home.  Probably due to not having my prozac for a few days. (Can't keep food down - meds come up, too, unfortunately.)  Maybe a grieving of sorts I guess...   But I was so mad, like what the hell is wrong with you and why would you do that to your kid????

It's the easy option to growing the fuck up and taking responsibility and it was a power play last night too because his male friends are all like, "Oh, Mike - you need support" and I'm all like "This is what they're going to make you do - and you'll just do it because you need to for your kids" and "be prepared - this is what they're going to tell you."  But i'm not "touchy feely" about it.  I'm realistic.  And it's tough love that he is going to need - not someone holding his hand saying, "Poor baby" and letting him play the victim and lay blame everywhere else.

There are people on his phone that I don't have - like some AA people.  And I figured he'd want them called, so I asked to get his phone just in case.  So he was all "ask to take my phone," and then the guard checked with him (after getting it) and he's like "no, i don't want you to have it...but Rick can have it.  He doesn't want me to call his AA buddy because he knows Craig will kick his ass...and so he'd rather just keep the info from them.  Yeah, I'll get his phone soon enough.  Craig is going to know about this.  If not now, then eventually because the more people who are NOT me are kicking his ass, the more likely he is to actually fucking listen.

Anyway, I  told him to just delete the fucking messages - that i didn't care. I'm sure he thought there was stuff on there that i could use against him.  (Probably some texts between him and Linda that he didn't want me to see.)  They take EVERYTHING when you go into the Psych Ward. 

I was supposed to get his keys becuase i needed to remove guns from the apartment, but then he didn't even let me have those - gave them to Rick  (Rick is like his brother) with "instructions" regarding his guns.  Everything wsa handed to Rick, but here's the best part...then he was all like "You have to do this, and you have to do that, and you have to file this paper for me at work" (to ME) and i told him I will not be his secretary - especially if he was going to shut me out of everything else...like psych appts etc.  But in the end, I will, because if I don't do it, it's the kids that suffer.  I'm the one with the paperwork and the mad skillz, and I protect my children the best I can - financially, emotionally, physically...

I can't say I wasn't pissed, but it's his power play.  Even still fucked up, and loopy, he has the energy and started getting pissed at me but held it in check in front of his friends.  I wasn't trying to fight with him.  I was being realistic and trying to help him realize what they were going to put him through.  And that he needed to just man up and do it. 

Apparently they put some charcoal in his veins or something (sounds weird - I don't think they do that, but they didn't pump his stomach...they did have him on an IV in the emergency room though to try to get it out of his system.  Still, he was really loopy on no meds at all when we saw him.  He shuffled like a zombie (had to chuckle at that) and I could see he had to think about what he was writing...through a fuzzy mind.  But he remembered the phone number, and extension, without help, so I don't know...some of it may have been a ploy for sympathy.

I just can't believe even in that condition, just my mere presence puts him into a power play...I'm not going to visit him today I don't think.  We'll see.  I told Rick he should go see him by himself - clearly the dynamics between us are still too volatile (though I've really been incredibly nice through the whole thing).  I just don't take b.s. and let him play the victim - not even now.

How much more does it take?

The kids and I have been down with some kind of virus since late Sunday night.  I'd like to find whoever gave us this bug du jour and kick him square in the crotch.  Em had her flu shot, so that's probably why she's got it the least of the three of us.  So while Kasia and I lay on the couch moaning about being sick and how horrible we felt, and how we were getting tired of tea and toast and trying to keep our insides where they belonged...on the inside.  Em went to her dad's for the past few days.  he was off, so it was ideal.  She had more of a cough/ache/sinus thing.  Kasia and I are sick from head to toe, but tummy and bowel are the major points right now.  (TMI, I know.  Sorry about that.)

Today Em was at Mike's (well, for the past few days), but he sent her home this morning after he called her into school.  It's Wednesday.  And Wednesday is his day with Linda.  Linda's kids were at school and her husband was at work and pooooor Linda - I'm sure she didn't know what to do with herself.

At any rate, after telling him that she was really upset with him, because he was DITCHING her for Linda, Em came home, settled in, ticked all over the place (her anxiety makes her tic - Wednesdays, whether her dad and Linda are mentioned or not, still set her over the edge most weeks).  He said he'd call or text Em when he got back and she could come over again.  (So basically he ditched her for "coffee and breakfast" which everyone else reads as "quickie.")  He never calls.

So she calls him, goes over, and I find out later that Linda was over there, with cupcakes, and they both basically ignored Emily - sat and talked, while Emily sat there and read a book.  And she came home, because he had to sleep (had to work tonight), and whatever...

So apparently Kasia went over, asked what his problem was, why he would ditch his sick kid and go out with Linda, and he got in an argument with her, saying Linda is just his friend and he doesn't have to explain to her because he doesn't answer to his kid.  Nice, eh? (I also didn't know this until later.  Whatever.)

So later, about 3 p.m., I text him and tell him we're out of milk, please go get milk for his kids.  He texts me back to send the kids over (meaning both of them) to get his.  He never says to send "them."  He will always say "one of the kids" or name one of them. 

About ten minutes go by, Kasia calls me in a panic, and tells me to get over there right away, with Emily, and that she called the police. 

Apparently he OD'd on clonazepam. 

Kasia tells me that she got over there, and knocked, and opened the door (their usual routine at their dad's apartment).  Mike called her into the bedroom and she hollered to him that she didn't want to (while still in the doorway).  He told her that it "may be the last hug" she'll ever get from him.  She asked why and he wouldn't answer her.  So then he said, "when it's all over, don't cry." 

She thought he'd been drinking again.  (His AA site closed down and he hasn't found another one yet.  It's been a couple of months.)   He said he hadn't been drinking, but sure sounded totally hammered.  He said, "I'm dying," and she said, "What the fuck did you do??"  All he could mutter was "pills" and she immediately called 911 and then me. 

We made it there at the same time as the police, and I told them where to go, that Kasia had called me.  She is a royal mess...blames herself for "not caring enough" or "not giving him another chance." 

If he really wanted to kill himself he wouldn't have asked me to "send the kids over" for the milk.  I'm glad I didn't send Emily.  She's enough of a mess.

So now they've transported him to ECMC and I called his work, called his friend and left a message, and told a few other people.  I have yet to call his dad or his sister.  I don't really want to.  Not to save him embarassment...I could care less if he's embarrassed.  But honestly, and I know it sounds really mean, but now he'll have all these people rallyng around poor ol' Mike with the mean ol' bitch of a wife, and the kids are dragged into it all.

I can only assume CPS will get involved.  There's no real paperwork as far as divorce or visitation set up.  It's all verbal agreement and the fact that he doesn't live here anymore.

And I knew it would come to this...or something like it.  The paramedics were floored at the amount of meds in his cabinet.  I told him to get rid of the ones he doesn't use, but he's a hoarder. And the fact that he's noncompliant means that he's just got loads and loads over there of unused meds - Vyvanse, Symbyax, Triplix (cholesterol)...and of course clonazepam.  He has only ever taken the clonazepam regularly...and overused it more than once. 

But this...this sickens me.

Unfucking believable...

Welcome to another installment of "Just how much of a Jackass can he be?"

1)  He's pissed that Kasia won't go over to his house during the week.  He doesn't "get" why.  He also doesn't listen when she speaks to him, she's 13, so yes, she gets snotty.  (I try to nip that but sometimes he just has it coming.)

2)  He feeds Emily (the child who is overweight, especially for her short stature and who craves carbs) nothing but pizza, or french fries.  Only ONCE have they had chicken and veggies.  Never a balanced meal.  Ever.

3)  I asked him (since he's the "man" and all) to go to Home Depot for me (since he was going over there anyway and I couldn't) to get parts for my Halloween costume.  I told him EXACTLY what I needed.  I showed him EXACTLY how I was going to do it - on video, on paper, and by telling him.  (One of the learning methods had to stick, I would have thought.)  I even gave him my $30 Home Depot gift card so it wouldn't cost him (or me) a dime.   I tell him SPECIFICALLY why other methods and materials won't work.  What does he do?  He comes home with NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR and it's all bent (instead of lovely curves it's all choppy and square-bent...NOT going to work for my costume.)  So now that's not only a waste of my time, of his time, but just the entire MARRIAGE we've had.  He doesn't listen.  He is incapable of calling to say, "Hey they don't have this - will that do instead?"  NO, he made an executive decision (which really - ALL his executive decisions end up this way, so STOP MAKING THEM).  And I should be grateful he did anything at all, but now I'm less $10 on my card and still without the proper materials to make my costume.  On to Plan B I guess.   Damn it was going to be awesome.

4)  Anything he has been asked to do for our Halloween prop situation has been met with a big fat no.  "I'm not gonna do that."   Really, he's trying to hurt my feelings, but all he's doing is making the kids feel bad and proving to them all over again that he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.  (And yes, he was told this.)

5)  I told him today that I will NOT get the parenting class information for him, nor set it up, nor call about it, nor find out where it fits into his schedule.  AT ALL.  It's HIS responsibility. 

His motorcycle insurance lapsed and they cancelled it.  Guess what.  He doesn't know yet.  Not my problem. I told him to take care of it. 

HIs main excuses for not doing anything:

1) "I have no internet access."  (Really?  Then use the old method.  This is the guy who refuses to throw away phone books and says he can find info in there faster than I can on the 'net.)

2) "I don't know when they are, where they're at, etc.."  (Well really?  Call a hospital.  Call the therapist.  Show up at a fucking appointment for your kid once in awhile.)

3)  "When am I supposed to do these things?"  (I dont know.  Maybe on those days you take off becuase  you don't "feel well" and then end up sleeping the day and night AND the next day away.  It's called depression.  I have it too, and I still have obligations for my children.)

4) "I'm too tired.  I need to sleep some time!" (Yeah, instead of sleeping on Wednesdays when you get home from work, you go out with Linda and end up being too tired, going to sleep, and missing the events of your kids - like soccer, school events, etc.)

I'm so sick of the bullshit.  At this rate, the only one who wants to spend time with him is Emily.  Why?  I don't know.  For the most part probably because they're about the same emotionally and are two peas in a pod (which scares the hell out of me for her).  Also, he pretty much lets her do what she wants...i.e. exactly what he does - sit in front of the tv or video game and eat crap and be lazy.  never once does he take them to the park or anything to have fun. Never engages them in conversation or anything.  And it makes my heart break for them.  While it makes me look like an awesome parent most times, it's still tiring trying to make up for that shit.

It's horrible to say, but I almost wish he'd just keel over at work or something...sure the kids would be sad, but they'd get over it.  And our lives would be ten times simpler.

"Dad's Weekend" became mine again...

Last night the girls were at their dads, for "his weekend", and ended up arguing over turning off the light. Kasia wanted two more minutes of reading to finish her chapter. Em insisted it be shut off immediately. Mike threatened to rip the lamp out of the wall (because, you know, that would just solve EVERYTHING).

So she (Kasia) tried to leave. He blocked the door way so she physically could not. Somehow her knee (her bad one) got in between his and he clamped his legs together and twisted. He claims it was an accident, but when I called him on it, he kept dodging and insisting it was an accident (no remorse whatsoever) and looked like a puppy who had peed on the carpet at one point. (still no remorse - just pissed off that he had gotten caught). Both girls ended up coming home last night within minutes of each other.

I talked to hm today (with and without the girls) and I told him the legalities of the situation. Basically said this is the second weekend he's had them and the second weekend they've run back to my house. (Remember he lives two doors down.)

Therapist says that they have every right to leave if they don't feel safe, they are allowed to see me and talk to me as much as they want when they are with him (and vice versa), and then suggested he take parenting lessons. He didn't go for that at all. In fact, he didn't even listen when Em thought he was dangerous. Said I put that in her head, those words in her mouth, etc... And I basically said if this shit continues and he refuses parenting classes, then he will get supervised visitation...and then none at all. Em is really the only one who wants to see him to begin with. Kasia's at the age they won't force her to. But then he turned it around and made THEM feel bad for ruining HIS weekend - he could've had double time yesterday but instead was home while they fought over a stupid lamp, etc, etc. I called him out on that, too - it had NOTHING TO DO with the lamp. He was just trying to make them feel guilty.

Anyway, so "his" weekend is now "mom's extra weekend." Fine with me.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Right now I'm still trying to find my sea legs.  It's going to take time.  The pisser was that I asked him to take Em to an appointment, and he couldn't be bothered.  Then had the nerve to ask me if the kids were coming over his house for dinner tonight.  (I give bonus days on his nights off if the kids want to.  There's no real paperwork in order as far as visitation though.  Closer to the holidays we'll see how pissy he gets.)

It's been a tough day for me.  Problems with work, trying to get from Point A to Point B in a fashionable amount of time, while trying to squeeze blood from a stone. 

And yet - things feel better sometimes.  More relaxed that he's not here.  He did walk in the back door and go down to the basement this morning and we had a discussion about that.  He is to call and/or text before he comes over here.  I don't care if his shit is made of gold.  (Yes, I want him to work and get the crap out of the basement.)

Worried about mortgage and bills at the moment.  We're still sharing a bank account, so there's no real child support in place, but everyone wants their stinking money.  I know I have to separate out the account so I can get social services.  It's just not that easy...yet.

And I still need to find a new psychiatrist for Em.  At least her primary wrote two months rx for her until we can.  And they were pretty understanding about the money we owe them. (They didn't know the situation, but they sure do now!)

Keeping my chin up...as best I can right now. 

It was probably the most satisfying anniversary ever...

Yesterday was probably one of my more hellish days in the last few weeks.  It was our 15th anniversary. 

I didn't expect to feel as badly as I did, and that's probably why it was so hard for me.  I was truly unprepared for that feeling of failure to creep back in - could've tried harder, should've saved more money, would've fixed it eventually...  Yet I know NONE of that is true.  Still...it was a hard day.  Top that off with my phone service being gone (including text because I couldn't pay for it until today), and having NO money (except the $10 I stashed for my outing with my friends Jack and John - priorities, ya know...)

At any rate, it was really fun hanging out with "the boys."  They're a couple of fun guys that are about 58-60 years old.  Guys I've worked with on musicals before, and hung out with, and who have accepted me - not as one of thier children, but as one of *them*.  That alone means a lot to me. 

We had some tough discussion, I fought back tears, and Jack had to leave to go have dinner with his wife. But honestly it was more a "catching up" than a sob fest, which was nice.  John stuck around and we had a few more rounds and something to eat. (They only serve chili and roast beef at this place).  And then I had to go.  I had to promise John we'd do shots next time.  (I had the kids last night - snuck away just to get together for a couple hours.)

And it was probably one of the BEST anniversaries I've had in the end.  Usually I'd pay for us to go somewhere anyway.  he never planned ahead.  And I see that he spent a LOT of time texting his "friend" Linda.  Whatever.  (I only know because I was nice enough to pay for his phone today while paying for mine.  I did give him the much lesser plan though.  LOL!)

And while FB is nice for catch ups, I really needed my private space to be able to just vent, laugh, cry, or think...and I'm glad you're here with me.  I'm sure I forgot to invite some people, but this blog isn't listed, and is by invitation only, and while that's a royal pain in the ass, it's necessary at least for now.  I would appreciate it if you'd keep it bookmarked just for your personal use.

Rising from the ashes

I'm hoping I've found a safe space to be myself.

New beginnings and all that...