I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I have someone actually interested in me (as a friend right now) and I'm just not able to let him in yet. WTF is wrong with me?
I'm with him, having coffee, and he's the nicest guy. He's all gentleman. Maybe that's it? I'm just not used to the nice? I'm just terrified of fucking things up with yet another person? (I've had a few falling out with female friends lately, too, and I'm being kind of guarded...but things come back to haunt me.)
I know it makes no sense. And no, I'm not interested in having a relationship at this point (although sex with someone other than myself would be nice). But we had a great discussion going today and I just threw all kinds of walls back up that he had somehow gotten inside.
But I like this guy. Not LIKE like him, but you know what I mean. (Most of my friends are guys, and their friendships do matter to me, and I've already lost Peter (Linda's husband) and it's all just freakin' painful.
So I'm talking to this guy and I keep forgetting things. Like TOTALLY forgetting things. and I mention that I probably took too many head shots. And then the question came - what kind? He knows I've had an abusive past, but this is a new friend who knows minimal facts. Anyway, the thought about the head shots came into my mind and I just shut down. I started to cry and headed to the bathroom. He knew it upset met, and that I was crying, but I didn't want to just break down in the coffee shop right there.
WHY is it so hard to let someone in? WHY does it have to haunt me at the most inopportune times? And more importantly WILL IT EVER STOP??
I know part if it is being afraid to trust, afraid of getting hurt yet again...but this is just a friend. I suppose the potential to there being more might be there someday, but right now - not really interested in ANYONE. o why does this matter to me and bug me enough to toss up more walls?
And that part bothers me even more - that I can't wrap my brain around it and figure it out...or just let go. After all the past is the past and should stay there.
I hate when my brain works overtime... I need to make some lists. (Yes, just a little OCD I guess.)
6 comments:
BTDT. The walls slam up because you have a ways to go yet to resolve the end of your marriage into something manageable, something that doesn't send you screaming around the bend if the wind blows just a little sideways.
If he hasn't turned tail yet, take a deep breath and give yourself credit for trying. And then step back out as far as you are comfortable and keep trying. It sounds like there's a friend there worthy of the effort.
If he's smart and observant, he will stick around and take only as much as you are willing and able to give him. And when the walls stop slamming up every other heartbeat, you might be surprised to find him waiting for you to tell him it's okay to come in. Because he will wait for your invitation.
They are the rare ones; and they are worth taking down walls for.
Give yourself some time to just BE. If for no other reason than to be a good example to your girls, you need to be completely out of this marriage before anything remotely serious with a man begins. He sounds like a great guy and if he is worth anything, he'll stick around and be a friend until the time is right.
Sounds like you have a lot from your past to deal with. You are so very strong and amazing. Give yourself a chance to be just that. There is so much in your life to mourn and cope with. And you can do it. I'm so proud of you.
*smooches* Love you, Chicka!
I'm trying to take some "me" time, but without interacting with other people (of either gender) is just stuffing back inside myself and not dealing with anything, I suppose. That's my problem.
I know I need time to myself. I'm not looking to hook up with anyone. Honestly, I just don't have the energy to be in any kind of a relationship, and it's too soon anyway.
I guess I should just keep doing what I have always done with friends - an occasional trip for a few drinks, lunch, or coffee. And deal with the walls and crap that comes up as it hits me. *sigh*
Breathe. And surround yourself with friends because they will help you deal with the walls as you come to them, one drink, lunch or coffee at a time.
But you'd better make sure there's a bunch of them around if it's a multi-drink wall. Wouldn't want to find out you'd drunk the only one with you under the table before the wall was dealt with. :)
I agree with Buffi. And in response to your response to her, there is no set time when those walls need to come down or start to crack. It just happens when it's supposed to. Find clever ways to change the subject with friends and talk about good things, because odds are, those walls will stay up until things are done and over with him and you have had time to digest it all.
Walls can be good for a while. You DO need to protect yourself. You're still in a precarious situation with a crazy person. No sense in doing anything to make that worse.
Trust me, I understand what you are feeling on the lonely side. It's been 8 months. Yes, indeed. We can do it. And be healthy, strong women on the other side.
Hang in there.
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